Life has been unfolding in an unexpected manner: support group conversation led me to RAADS-R and there I had it, a score much higher than usual, falling in the category of moderately autistic, shook and numb, I cried to sleep, hoping the night was enough to process addition of this new information.
It felt like the fabric of my figment existence got stuck in a nail and few threads of life were pulled apart, ever so neatly, and yet, enough to change the overall pattern. My nears and dears, like two people also took the test, just to see what it says for them and maybe console me on methodological level, but both of them scored below autistic levels. The tone of consolation shifted from a cynic to a stoic, “so what?” Meanwhile, I peeped through the pulled fibres a little bit to the present, and a lot more to the past. There were patterns all through life that had never made any sense and now they seemed to follow the track towards these pulled threads.

As an adult, adulting has been a little bit extra hard than my peers in all aspects of life: social, economic, psychological and personal. Before getting to know about ADHD, the inferiority complex stayed with me like a cursed shadow. I cannot get rid of. On treatment for ADHD, things improved but the shadow lost only half of its density. This random moment of randomly ranting in a support group about, “how do I know if someone is lying?” I am 28 year old for god’s sake, and yet the idea to understand it let alone manage it seemed very alien. Thereupon, the suggestion was raised, take this test!
My hunch about autism has existed for as long as I knew about it. But my former therapist 3 years ago, refused to even listen to it. She shouted at me, saying, “do you even know what it means to be autistic?” Now, I know, I had known it all through life. There is easy gullibility, I would rather doubt myself than the functioning adults of society. Until this day!
I still don’t know what to do with new found news! I have quickly submitted the report to my present psychiatrist and might bring it up later in next appointment. Within the ADHD support group, I feel a new found aloneness. The invisible battle and the invisible scars continue to scabbed away without any support or accommodations.
I have gulped down hundreds of self-help, “A man is given the cross that he can bear.” But, is there any pride in suffering? Any redemption through being less capable? My brain will gaslight itself, until it knows more and more and more.
Society perceives there is some advantage in declaring disability! There is attention seeking! There is false pretense! Society can perceive that, while it has mental capabilities to go through the hardships of life. Then, they still manage to extend their precious minutes of a day to perpetuate the above notion. Isn’t that a privilege?

Pardon me for a personal blog-ish detour. Read some latest news articles on adhdfeed.com ⬇️

• Breaking Down Gender Bias in ADHD Assessment and Diagnosis
• The Role of Cultural Factors in Shaping Stress and Quality of Life for Parents of Neurodiverse Children
• ADHD Diagnosis: Advancements in Objective Eye-Tracking Technology
• The Role of Sex Differences in Decision-Making Behavior in Adults with ADHD
• How Gender and Intelligence Influence ADHD Detection Age